- You REALLY think AFN is quality entertainment
- Iceberg lettuce looks like a giant Brussels sprout
- You realize that Ausfahrt isn’t the biggest city in Germany.
- You don’t remember that windows are supposed to have screens
- Your dinner menu changes six times before you leave the commissary
- You reach for the Jägermeister instead of Pepto-Bismol
- A Sunday morning isn’t complete without a 10-kilometer walk in the woods
- You get used to looking before you flush
- You can walk through the O’Club bazaar and only buy an ice cream cone
- You forgot how to use round doorknobs
- You buy a new wool sweater for the 4th of July picnic
- 100 MPH seems like you’re really driving slow
- People on Volksmarches look familiar
- You remember when the D-Mark was 4 to 1, 3 to 1, 2 to 1
- American beer tastes like mineral water
- You remember how to pay for gas with coupons
- Even at home you don’t put ice in your drinks
- You never go shopping on the economy without a calculator
- You NEVER shop on payday. When you do shop you buy at least a dozen of everything that you MIGHT need
- You’ve memorized your passport number, date, and place of issue
- Every few weeks you empty your wallet of coins from other countries
- Fresh cut flowers are a staple in your house
- You lounge around your house fully clothed at all times
- You know three remedies for removing mold from walls
- You never leave home without your keys, ID card, license, checkbook, and passport
- You think that a line at the bank with only 20 people is great
- You think ANY line with only 20 people is great
- You have forgotten what prime rib and shrimp cocktails taste like
- You need a power drill and sledgehammer to hang a picture on the wall
- Sunshine actually becomes a topic of conversation
- You rig your lawnmower and weed trimmer to give you an electrical shock if you try to operate them on Sundays
- You play “guess what town” the driver in front of you is from (HD, MA, FT,PS) based on their license plate
- You forgot how to eat French fries without a fork and knife
- You no longer even WANT ketchup for your French Fries. You may actually enjoy mayonnaise with them
- You stop looking for appliances with dual voltage because you have all of them already
- You start removing the label and staple on your tea bag because they have to respectively go into the paper and metal recycling bin
- You get irrationally annoyed when the bus or train is over five minutes late
- You have actually memorized the timetable for your local station or stop
- You know fifteen different kinds of potatoes and know how each is eaten
- You eat meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner
- You have no problem with public nudity and actually contemplate to go to a nudist beach this summer
- You are not surprised to find porn magazines in supermarkets and petrol stations… next to children items
- You state your family name when answering your phone
- You have come to regard crossing the street when the little man is red as a serious offence
- You check for signs in a public park to make sure it not prohibited to tread on the lawn
- You don’t mind sharing a table with strangers at a restaurant
- You have a döner kebap in mind when you think of having a snack
- You feel the need to underline everything with a ruler
- You don’t change the radio station when techno comes on, because you know it’s on all the other stations too
- You verify regularly that your watch and all the clocks in your house are on time (that is those that aren’t radio controlled)
- You shovel snow in front of your pavement at 5 am
- You think it is normal behavior to remind your neighbors to remove the weeds in their garden or to warn them that their children are not dressed warmly enough
- You keep quiet at home between 9 pm and 8 am to avoid disturbing the neighbors
- You have taught your dog to keep quiet during the rest hours to avoid getting fined
- You can’t imagine washing your car or mowing your lawn on Sundays
- You drink beer at the cinema
- You don’t cringe at having to eat a piece of meat with a thick layer of fat on it
- You’ve sorted your garbage into at least 3 garbage cans and you know the difference between “Gelbe Sacke” and “Restmull”
- You get excited that CNN and BBC are in English
- You know what a “Klo” is and you’ve gone “auf” one
- You know what DB stands for
- You know the difference between Milka and Ritter Sport (including all their various varieties)
- You’ve had a child tell you “Wir dürfen jetzt”, when waiting for the green man
- You’ve been caught “schwarzfahring” (riding without a ticket) at least once (and pretended not to speak German to get out of it)
- You know the separate functions of the big button and the small button to flush the toilet
- You know that not looking someone in the eye when toasting will give you seven years bad sex
- You have gotten extremely frustrated by the fact that the Z and the Y are switched on German keyboards
- You ask people how they are with grunts like ‘Und?’ or ‘Na?’
- Your salad dressing has come with ‘some’ salad
- You have paid to use a public restroom
- You’ve completely forgotten a word in English, yet you know what it is in German
- You know that German efficiency is, in fact, a myth
- You’ve starved on a Sunday (or every Sunday) because you forgot to get bread / milk / juice / anything at all to eat on Saturday
- You don’t understand why you can’t drink beer in the cinema back home
- Anything with English Untertitel excites you
- You’ve carried your groceries home in a cloth sack
- Your friends (your brother!) ask you to translate Rammstein songs
- You wished you drank beer because it’s cheaper than everything else on the menu – including water and coke!
- You call your cell phone a “handy”
- Bread, cheese and cold cuts constitute dinner
- You heat each room in your house separately
- You don’t drive anywhere that you can take a bus / tram / train to
- Your ones look like sevens and your sevens are a molestation of a 7 and a T
- Ausfahrt isn’t funny anymore and roundabouts are second nature
- You no longer mind the person behind you giving you half an inch of space
- You judge mustard by how well it opens your sinuses
- You think family pictures taken in front of a castle or in a dirndl are “so cliché”
- You think mystery meat with sliced pickles sounds like a breakfast staple
Author unknown
Bild von Werner Heiber auf Pixabay