So you know that you’ve been in Germany far too long when:

1. You REALLY think AFN is quality entertainment
2. Iceberg lettuce looks like a giant Brussels sprout
3. You realize that Ausfahrt isn’t the biggest city in Germany.
4. You don’t remember that windows are supposed to have screens
5. Your dinner menu changes six times before you leave the commissary
6. You reach for the Jägermeister instead of Pepto-Bismol
7. A Sunday morning isn’t complete without a 10-kilometer walk in the woods
8. You get used to looking before you flush
9. You can walk through the O’Club bazaar and only buy an ice cream cone
10. You forgot how to use round doorknobs
11. You buy a new wool sweater for the 4th of July picnic
12. 100 MPH seems like you’re really driving slow
13. People on Volksmarches look familiar
14. You remember when the D-Mark was 4 to 1, 3 to 1, 2 to 1
15. American beer tastes like mineral water
16. You remember how to pay for gas with coupons
17. Even at home you don’t put ice in your drinks
18. You never go shopping on the economy without a calculator
19. You NEVER shop on payday. When you do shop you buy at least a dozen of everything that you MIGHT need
20. You’ve memorized your passport number, date, and place of issue
21. Every few weeks you empty your wallet of coins from other countries
22. Fresh cut flowers are a staple in your house
23. You lounge around your house fully clothed at all times
24. You know three remedies for removing mold from walls
25. You never leave home without your keys, ID card, license, checkbook, and passport
26. You think that a line at the bank with only 20 people is great
27. You think ANY line with only 20 people is great
28. You have forgotten what prime rib and shrimp cocktails taste like
29. You need a power drill and sledgehammer to hang a picture on the wall
30. Sunshine actually becomes a topic of conversation
31. You rig your lawnmower and weed trimmer to give you an electrical shock if you try to operate them on Sundays
32. You play “guess what town” the driver in front of you is from (HD, MA, FT,PS) based on their license plate
33. You forgot how to eat French fries without a fork and knife
34. You no longer even WANT ketchup for your French Fries. You may actually enjoy mayonnaise with them
35. You stop looking for appliances with dual voltage because you have all of them already
36. You start removing the label and staple on your tea bag because they have to respectively go into the paper and metal recycling bin
37. You get irrationally annoyed when the bus or train is over five minutes late
38. You have actually memorized the timetable for your local station or stop
39. You know fifteen different kinds of potatoes and know how each is eaten
40. You eat meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner
41. You have no problem with public nudity and actually contemplate to go to a nudist beach this summer
42. You are not surprised to find porn magazines in supermarkets and petrol stations… next to children items
43. You state your family name when answering your phone
44. You have come to regard crossing the street when the little man is red as a serious offence
45. You check for signs in a public park to make sure it not prohibited to tread on the lawn
46. You don’t mind sharing a table with strangers at a restaurant
47. You have a döner kebap in mind when you think of having a snack
48. You feel the need to underline everything with a ruler
49. You don’t change the radio station when techno comes on, because you know it’s on all the other stations too
50. You verify regularly that your watch and all the clocks in your house are on time (that is those that aren’t radio controlled)
51. You shovel snow in front of your pavement at 5 am
52. You think it is normal behavior to remind your neighbors to remove the weeds in their garden or to warn them that their children are not dressed warmly enough
53. You keep quiet at home between 9 pm and 8 am to avoid disturbing the neighbors
54. You have taught your dog to keep quiet during the rest hours to avoid getting fined
55. You can’t imagine washing your car or mowing your lawn on Sundays
56. You drink beer at the cinema
57. You don’t cringe at having to eat a piece of meat with a thick layer of fat on it
58. You’ve sorted your garbage into at least 3 garbage cans and you know the difference between “Gelbe Sacke” and “Restmull”
59. You get excited that CNN and BBC are in English
60. You know what a “Klo” is and you’ve gone “auf” one
61. You know what DB stands for
62. You know the difference between Milka and Ritter Sport (including all their various varieties)
63. You’ve had a child tell you “Wir dürfen jetzt”, when waiting for the green man
64. You’ve been caught “schwarzfahring” (riding without a ticket) at least once (and pretended not to speak German to get out of it)
65. You know the separate functions of the big button and the small button to flush the toilet
66. You know that not looking someone in the eye when toasting will give you seven years bad sex
67. You have gotten extremely frustrated by the fact that the Z and the Y are switched on German keyboards
68. You ask people how they are with grunts like ‘Und?’ or ‘Na?’
69. Your salad dressing has come with ‘some’ salad
70. You have paid to use a public restroom
71. You’ve completely forgotten a word in English, yet you know what it is in German
72. You know that German efficiency is, in fact, a myth
73. You’ve starved on a Sunday (or every Sunday) because you forgot to get bread / milk / juice / anything at all to eat on Saturday
74. You don’t understand why you can’t drink beer in the cinema back home
75. Anything with English Untertitel excites you
76. You’ve carried your groceries home in a cloth sack
77. Your friends (your brother!) ask you to translate Rammstein songs
78. You wished you drank beer because it’s cheaper than everything else on the menu – including water and coke!
79. You call your cell phone a “handy”
80. Bread, cheese and cold cuts constitute dinner
81. You heat each room in your house separately
82. You don’t drive anywhere that you can take a bus / tram / train to
83. Your ones look like sevens and your sevens are a molestation of a 7 and a T
84. Ausfahrt isn’t funny anymore and roundabouts are second nature
85. You no longer mind the person behind you giving you half an inch of space
86. You judge mustard by how well it opens your sinuses
87. You think family pictures taken in front of a castle or in a dirndl are “so cliché”
88. You think mystery meat with sliced pickles sounds like a breakfast staple

Author unknown
Bild von Werner Heiber auf Pixabay